Lethargic Life - Part 1

I am soul full of turmoil. I continuously torture myself. I live in a constant flux of frustrating irony. But let me rewind a little. Something or someone triggers my descent into this madness. I spend days, on and off, trying to figure out the answers to questions that I now assume can only be answered by action. My life goes in semi-patterns, sometimes repeating over great lengths of time, sometimes repeating in just months. And despite recognizing these patterns as I have since becoming what I like to call "self-aware" in my early 20s, they continue to repeat. I put myself into these frustrating yet obviously rewarding predicaments over and over. Am I a broken record? Am I just meant to be this way? Am I just a weak person when I think of myself as strong? I can't stop asking these questions.

My need for this turmoil and the benefits I receive through it clearly outweigh any desire to be fundamentally happy and to live with peace. Part of what causes this is my unending quest for explanations on why I am who I am and behave like I do. A second part is feeling that what I'm good at is not valuable enough in the grand scheme of things and therefore not worthy to pursue. A third, but not necessarily final part is surrounding myself with people who though in my life for some reason (of which is in conjunction with the first part) continuously leave.

...to be continued

Bye Bye Bedroom, Hello Multi-Purpose Room

Months ago, when my relationship was a bit on the rocks, we moved into the living room to sleep. First, we didn't want to sleep together. Second, it was more comfortable in the living room what with the TV there and the brightness of the morning sun. Third, the air was always stuffy in the bedroom. For these reasons and since we'd at least be living out the remainder of our lease together, we decided to change the bedroom into another living room, sort of an office area, where we can go to be a part from each other and get some privacy. At this point, we put up an ad to sell the bed.

Since then, we've repaired our broken hearts (for the most part, anyways); we've gained air conditioning which only works in the bedroom and we now sleep there again. The question remained, what do we do now that the bed will be sold? Do we maintain it as a bedroom by buying a different bed? Or do we stick with the original plan?

I like the idea of having a second, usable room, as I'm planning to have a private practice of teaching English there in the fall. It can be a retreat from each other and a practical space for my career. As a result, with the bed gone, we've looked into yet another piece of furniture from IKEA (to add to our already catalogue-ish apartment furnished by this wonderful store), a sofabed that will fold up during the day and pull out at night.

I look forward to going there to read, to teach and to be alone. However, now begs the question: Should I put in a TV? :)

General Noise

For the last few weeks, there's been an overlaod of students at my school which just proves that it is a business and not a school. The sheer amount of teenagers chatting away in their native languages, ignoring the "English Only" policy, coupled with just the general noise level is irritating. Like I felt in Seoul, with the crowded streets and slow-moving populace, my capacity for handling stress dimishes. I'm a rather easy-going individual usually, but sometimes I just want to rampage.

On top of this, the heat this week has made life nearly unbearable. Sure, the building is air conditioned, yet still it seems to affect everyone, especially teachers. Breaks outside are no longer comfortable and the option of remaining inside the school only to waste away the 10 minutes is not appealing.

Add to all this the idea of tutoring a nice, but frustratingly "old dog new tricks", makes for days to go long and tempers to approach explosion.

Of course, I did decide on a vacation today, which may have made my boss's existence more stressful; it decreased mine.

The Idea of a Makeover

For most of the last year or so, I've been going for the slightly goth (pale skin, dark brown hair), slightly punk (dark t-shirts, angered look on the face), slightly hippie-esque (lack of producing anything worthwhile, long hair) aura. Maybe, it occurred to me, that in order to get my life on a different, more productive track, a change was due.

I've begun working on my first true novella - a science fiction love story involving philosophical debate, all gone horribly, horribly wrong. After two weeks of staring at the screen, I've managed to develop a whopping one chapter! So, loosely due to this lack of movement, I went for a change of looks.

No, the hair is still long, and perhaps the angered look on face will show through in static moments, but I'm feeling more beachy now. With the use of a combination of self-tanning and sunlight, I've achieved a pleasant glow...mix that with the brightening of my hair to almost dirty blonde, I look in the mirror with awe. Is this me? It's not who I've seen for such a long time. I can vaguely see a boyish version I looked at long ago.

Let's see how it all works out, shall we?