Lethargic Life - Part 1

I am soul full of turmoil. I continuously torture myself. I live in a constant flux of frustrating irony. But let me rewind a little. Something or someone triggers my descent into this madness. I spend days, on and off, trying to figure out the answers to questions that I now assume can only be answered by action. My life goes in semi-patterns, sometimes repeating over great lengths of time, sometimes repeating in just months. And despite recognizing these patterns as I have since becoming what I like to call "self-aware" in my early 20s, they continue to repeat. I put myself into these frustrating yet obviously rewarding predicaments over and over. Am I a broken record? Am I just meant to be this way? Am I just a weak person when I think of myself as strong? I can't stop asking these questions.

My need for this turmoil and the benefits I receive through it clearly outweigh any desire to be fundamentally happy and to live with peace. Part of what causes this is my unending quest for explanations on why I am who I am and behave like I do. A second part is feeling that what I'm good at is not valuable enough in the grand scheme of things and therefore not worthy to pursue. A third, but not necessarily final part is surrounding myself with people who though in my life for some reason (of which is in conjunction with the first part) continuously leave.

...to be continued