i love and hate smoking

Almost everyday this past week, I've told myself that this will be my last pack of smokes. I'm gonna quit. I'm gonna do it. It's gonna happen. And almost everyday this past week, I've justified to myself that those statements will be just as true tomorrow as they would be today. Being so low on cash since Christmas, it seems really the most viable thing to do, quit. I've told myself that I'll take the money that I would spend on smokes and deposit it into the bank. I've told myself that I'll use that money to join a gym, save for vacation or just plain use to see my balance increase in increments of $8.

Then the time comes when I have none left. I note that it's not a great time being the middle of the day or the middle of the night or the morning, to quit. I go to work thinking that maybe I'll avoid break-time smokes and just work. But, I never do.

I love smoking at certain times and just don't want to live without the goodness of the first haul. I hate smoking because it's an incredible waste of money that I use to slowly drain myself of life. Why can I give up drinking alcohol and smoking pot, but this I find so difficult to? And as I contemplate lighting up as I type, I realize--clearly, this must be the heaviest drug.